A small group of friends and I have been meeting weekly to learn Marshall Rosenberg’s revolutionary way of interacting with other people. We’re studying his book “Nonviolent Communication.”
I’ve wanted to blog more about this, but it’s hard, because most tense conflicts in my life involve my husband, and there’s the off-chance he might read this blog.
But I’ll tell a little story about the effectiveness of nonviolent communication involving my grandson, Cadan, age four. No chance he’ll read the blog.
He and a neighbor girl, Caitlyn, were playing in the backyard hammock. After a while, Caitlyn walked up to me and said, “He’s hogging it!”
I made a mental note that this was “violent” communication, in that she was blaming Cadan for her upset and making him bad.
I didn’t say anything back to her.
Cadan came up and we all were discussing something else for a minute. Then he wanted to go back to the hammock. I might have said, “Caitlyn says you were hogging the hammock,” or “You need to be nice to your friends and share the hammock,” or some such thing. The problem with those two statements? The first is a blaming statement. And the second is a command (which is essentially demeaning).
Instead I applied a little of the techniques we’re learning and I simply made a non-judgmental observation. I said to Cadan, “Caitlyn says you were lying in the hammock in such a way that there was no space for her.”
I really didn’t need to say anything else. With genuine feeling, Cadan said, “Oh! I’m sorry. I’ll do better next time.”
And they went back to the hammock. I didn’t hear any more complaints, so I suppose it went well.
To me it felt like a tiny, lovely, triumph.
By the way, I gained insights into nonviolent communication with children by reading the excellent book, “Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids,” by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson.
